The Month April 1st 2012
At a press conference held recently in Franschhoek, it was announced that, from April 1st, The Month would no longer be in English but only in Afrikaans, and be known simply as Die Maand. Further that a new editor, Flip Rasool, would take over from the outgoing editor, Brett Garner, with immediate effect.
The publisher, David Foster, said that although the outgoing editor had done “a reasonably good job”, he had really only furthered a backward trend and added that “English is an antiquated and outdated language – Afrikaans is modern, in-vogue and the language of choice among the upwardly mobile young professional - the target market of Die Maand.” And, although clearly sad to see Mr Garner go, added “his jokes were wearing a bit thin and it will be a relief to finally get on top of The Month’s account at the local liquor store. Our loss, I feel, will be Mr Delivery’s gain. April 1st will mark a new start for us at Die Maand and we’re very excited to
have acquired Mr Rasool’s services for only three times the previous editor’s salary.”
It is known that prior to this appointment, Rasool worked abroad and was involved in a number of social media resistance campaigns in Egypt, Libya and, surprisingly, at a Burger King in Abu Dhabi. He claims to have made his first million at the age of 26 - albeit from the $10 million his father left him – and has denied any links to the angry Algerian Mountain Goat that was responsible for his father’s demise. It is believed that as a youngster he was nicknamed ‘Flippy’, not because of his irritating habit of flipping channels during family dinners but more likely because of his time ‘on the grill’ in the UAE.
The publisher took questions from the floor and deftly handled those concerning Rasool’s financial affairs. A question from a prominent Boland publication regarding rumours that the new editor flushes the toilet upon entry but does not like to waste water so does not flush thereafter, was met with an angry glare from Rasool and the throwing of a shoe.
When a female reporter introduced herself as being from “die Eikestadt” Rasool was unaware that she was in fact referring to her hometown of Stellenbosch. As she began to impress upon the assembled that Rasool’s Afrikaans was “n bitjie vrot” (not good) and as colourful as his past, and that his knowledge of the Winelands was bad, the Publisher stepped in to assure all that his new editor’s grasp of the language was faultless and that “there is more to the Winelands than what you’ll find in the Winelands”. Pointing out that Rasool had picked up quite a lot of Afrikaans during his two years undercover in the Cape Flats - supposedly writing a story about drug dealing that, oddly, never appeared in print – the publisher invited Rasool to bring the meeting to a close, in Afrikaans.
Having had the request repeated, this time in English, Rasool abliged the Publisher by saying: “Hou jul bekke my bras, of ek text my boois en ons cancel julle!” (Be quiet or my guys will deal with you.) As he left the stage smiling, he stopped to address the editor of a stylish Franschhoek glossy and was heard to say “Maar jy’s a lekka bokkie. Hoe lyk ‘it, sien jy kaans?” (You’re attractive, shall we…?)
In a later communique, bearing the title “Embargoed: Due for Release on 1 April only”, the Publisher simply stated that Rasool had made himself unavailable and that as a result “The Month will continue to focus its attention, in a light-hearted and accessible manner, on positive, general interest items within the greater Winelands region and that have a bearing on those who enjoy that sort of thing.”
The publisher, David Foster, said that although the outgoing editor had done “a reasonably good job”, he had really only furthered a backward trend and added that “English is an antiquated and outdated language – Afrikaans is modern, in-vogue and the language of choice among the upwardly mobile young professional - the target market of Die Maand.” And, although clearly sad to see Mr Garner go, added “his jokes were wearing a bit thin and it will be a relief to finally get on top of The Month’s account at the local liquor store. Our loss, I feel, will be Mr Delivery’s gain. April 1st will mark a new start for us at Die Maand and we’re very excited to
have acquired Mr Rasool’s services for only three times the previous editor’s salary.”
It is known that prior to this appointment, Rasool worked abroad and was involved in a number of social media resistance campaigns in Egypt, Libya and, surprisingly, at a Burger King in Abu Dhabi. He claims to have made his first million at the age of 26 - albeit from the $10 million his father left him – and has denied any links to the angry Algerian Mountain Goat that was responsible for his father’s demise. It is believed that as a youngster he was nicknamed ‘Flippy’, not because of his irritating habit of flipping channels during family dinners but more likely because of his time ‘on the grill’ in the UAE.
The publisher took questions from the floor and deftly handled those concerning Rasool’s financial affairs. A question from a prominent Boland publication regarding rumours that the new editor flushes the toilet upon entry but does not like to waste water so does not flush thereafter, was met with an angry glare from Rasool and the throwing of a shoe.
When a female reporter introduced herself as being from “die Eikestadt” Rasool was unaware that she was in fact referring to her hometown of Stellenbosch. As she began to impress upon the assembled that Rasool’s Afrikaans was “n bitjie vrot” (not good) and as colourful as his past, and that his knowledge of the Winelands was bad, the Publisher stepped in to assure all that his new editor’s grasp of the language was faultless and that “there is more to the Winelands than what you’ll find in the Winelands”. Pointing out that Rasool had picked up quite a lot of Afrikaans during his two years undercover in the Cape Flats - supposedly writing a story about drug dealing that, oddly, never appeared in print – the publisher invited Rasool to bring the meeting to a close, in Afrikaans.
Having had the request repeated, this time in English, Rasool abliged the Publisher by saying: “Hou jul bekke my bras, of ek text my boois en ons cancel julle!” (Be quiet or my guys will deal with you.) As he left the stage smiling, he stopped to address the editor of a stylish Franschhoek glossy and was heard to say “Maar jy’s a lekka bokkie. Hoe lyk ‘it, sien jy kaans?” (You’re attractive, shall we…?)
In a later communique, bearing the title “Embargoed: Due for Release on 1 April only”, the Publisher simply stated that Rasool had made himself unavailable and that as a result “The Month will continue to focus its attention, in a light-hearted and accessible manner, on positive, general interest items within the greater Winelands region and that have a bearing on those who enjoy that sort of thing.”
